Thursday, April 25, 2013


I have been rather absent from my blog for the past few weeks. I have no good excuse, no traumatic event that might make up for it. The reason simply is that I was discouraged. I was discouraged that my blog was not good enough, not like so-and-so's, too personal, and people would not want to read it. Honestly, the biggest thing for me was that I did not feel like my husband liked it. Not much else really truly mattered to me, just what he thought. So when I felt like I was writing my heart out and he seemed to be only giving me pointers for making it better, I assumed that he hated it and I should just quit. So I did for a time.

We talked about it, and it turns out that he does not in fact hate my blog, and had not realized that I was feeling that way. It seems that things usually go like that. I am not confident in how I look, so when he fails to give me a compliment, I immediately assume that he thinks I look bad and become discouraged and mope-y. I am insecure about my personality, so when he either mentions that someone else has a great personality or gives me some friendly advice on how to be more friendly or outgoing, I tell myself that he would rather be married to a better conversationalist, and get angry at him, while feeling like a failure because “I am not good enough.” My thoughts, however, are rarely accurate, especially when I am trying to determine what he is thinking.

Sometimes it just does not cross his mind that he should compliment me on something. It does not mean that he does not think I look nice. Sometimes {often} people are more outgoing than me, better at conversation, or more friendly, but just because my husband mentions that someone is good at conversing while talking with me does not mean that he would rather have married someone stronger in that area. In fact, I rarely talked when we were together in the first three or four months of our relationship and it has not been until almost half a year after we got married that I finally began to talk and joke like I normally would with my family or close friends. So, he knew exactly what he was getting into and certainly could have not asked me to marry him if he wanted someone different. My husband loves me just as I am and when he gives me advice on improving something, it does not mean that he despises me for it; it simply means that he desires to see me grow. He loves me just the same.

And so, with the encouraging realization that my husband does not hate my blog, and the fact that it really does not matter what others think if it is something that God has called me to do, I will continue to write. As one of my pastors said in a sermon not long ago, “If God has called you to do something, do not let anyone tell you that you are unqualified.” …including yourself, I would add.

While I am not at the point of saying that I know for certain that God has called me to write a blog, I would not want to miss out on an opportunity that he has given me, because of my fear. Following Jonathan’s example in 1 Samuel 14, I will go forward on a perhaps. When Jonathan said, “Perhaps the Lord will work for us,” and took a step in that direction, God blessed his faith. He and his armor-bearer killed twenty Philistines, God sent an earthquake, and the rest of the Philistines were thrown into panic. It did not happen because Jonathan was an amazing warrior (even amazing warriors cannot single-handedly cause an entire army to freak out). It was because he was willing to take a step and God blessed him through it. Jonathan had to step out on a maybe for the Lord to work through him. And I will do the same. Perhaps the Lord is in it, but I will never find out unless I step out.